Funny quotes from Twitter - Part 1

Warning! Some information on this page is older than 6 years now. I keep it for reference, but it probably doesn't reflect my current knowledge and beliefs.

Mar 2015

Today I reviewed all the tweets that I have in favorites and made a list of most funny (and sometimes quite serious) quotes that I could find there. They are mostly about C++, games and graphics programming. Enjoy :)

If Tetris has taught me anything, it's that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Reproducibility is collaborating with people you don't know, including yourself next week (@philipbstark at #dsesummit)
QA Engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv.
Sony totally missed the opportunity to call their phones Talkman.
#include is probably the most nerdiest hashtag.
#include <stdargh> - funny C++ typo, but maybe let's add it to the standard? "throw std::argh;". Or "throw std::aaargh" for criticals. (@KK_DMA)
"C++11 - combining the safety of C, and the clarity of Perl" (, via @bkaradzic)
Never underestimate the "write once, run away" philosophy.
The person who decided on the name Program Files (x86) should be required to type it several hundred times a day as punishment.
Nobody expects the Amazon acquisition.
People who say "C++ is good" say so egotistically. People who say "C++ is bad" say so altruistically.
A PhD student is someone who forgoes current income in order to forgo future income
- When can you do it?
- Two weeks.
- We need it next week.
- Then I suggest you ask again last week.
The Beer-Lambert law states that once you have Lambert shading up and running it's time for beer.
Android: The malware compatibility layer for Linux.
Wanted to look up abs() in man pages. Google "man abs" did indeed bring up the man page as the top text hit, but the images were unexpected. (John Carmack)
cross(indexFinger, middleFinger)
when visual assist is turned on, moving the cursor feels like parkour. (@bmcnett)
make int, not var (@aras_p)
PROTIP: Turn data into big data by encoding it as XML.
New interview Q:
- In what cases does const float allocate storage?
- I don't know.
- Correct, you're hired.
Junior Dev: thinks they know everything
Regular Dev: thinks they know nothing
Senior Dev: hates computers
MSVC's "Go To Line" dialog automatically fills in the current line when you open it. I have a hard time imagining a more useless behavior. (@_Humus_)
FAO tools programmers: Keep in mind that there are two types of tools. Tools that everybody complains about and tools that nobody uses. (@nonchaotic)
necronomemoticon (;,;) (@kenpex)
You know you're a graphics geek when you're more interested in the subsurface scattering in an actor's ear than her dialogue. (@cthulhim)
You never want junior devs filling in the details, because the details are the important parts! (JeffR, on why sr. devs must write code)
"Games used to be so much harder" is the "vinyl sounds better" of games.
If metaprogramming is to be a thing (it should, tho not via templates), we need a compile time debugger. (@MikeNicolella)
There's nothing quite like when two polygons walk into a bar and the entire crowd goes "Z FIGHT, Z FIGHT, Z FIGHT" (@grapefrukt)
Why was Lara Croft sad? Because her career was IN RUINS. (@philippawarr)
Overheard at siggraph a few years ago: "tessellation shaders, biggest waste of transistor area since the geometry shaders" (@aras_p)
Whoever clams connecting a device to the internet will make it more intelligent, hasn't spent much time with devices - or on the internet. (@kimpall)
Behold of QNaN the Barbarian!
Rendering is all smoke & mirrors. Especially smoke and mirrors, since these are hard to render (@LiaSae)
A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it's not that good. (@leblancstartup)
You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of google. (@BillMurray)
Debugging games is much like carrying an investigation. You collect clues, interrogate suspects and hope it'll lead you to the solution. (@MarcinDraszczuk)
A million guys walk into a Silicon Valley bar. No one buys anything.
Bar declared massive success. (@Stammy)
OH "glsl and hlsl do not mix" "exactly, they lerp!" (@aras_p)
Keming. n. The result of improper kerning.
@rygorous doesn't miss cache - cache misses him (@deplinenoise)
We've come to realize that "number of dynamic point lights" is how rendering programmers compare dick sizes (@InternDept)
1974 - "Where shall we put the computer?"
2014 - "Where did I put the computer?"
Conspiracy theory: C++11 and C++14 driven by JavaScript zealots trying to make their language look good in comparison. (@jon_cham)
Any sufficiently advanced C++ is indistinguishable from tragic. (@c_nich)
When it comes to software architecture, often it's duct tape all the way down :) (@codedivine)
You want to hear a JavaScript joke? I'll callback later.
Don't cry over spilled milk, cry over spilled registers. (@ShaunPeoples)
Windows has finished installing a new CEO.  You must restart your company before the new leadership will take effect. (@cmuratori)
Not sure what's worse: progress bars that suddenly jump backwards, or that reach the end then stick there for ages. (@grahamsellers)
Ever feel the C++ compiler is a haiku master? You ask it wtf is wrong with the code, it tells you about the wind rustling in the semicolons. (@ivansassen)
Telling a programmer there's already a library to do X is like telling a songwriter there's already a song about love. (@petecordell)
A computer scientist looks one way before crossing a one-way street to make sure there are no cars coming.  A programmer looks both ways. (@stevelosh)
You know you're doing serious computer work when you have to fetch pen and paper. (@msimoni)
It's time we switch from saying, "Cool app, and free!" to "Cool app-but beware, it's free." (@5tu)
OCC - Obsessive compulsive const'ing (@CornyKorn21)
If I have learned anything from video games it's when you meet your enemies you're going in the right direction. (@ofwgktadgaf1782)
One day son, this will all be ray traced. (@marcosalvi)
Freudian slip of the day: "vommit" instead of "commit" (@aras_p)
The only dependency is boost #FiveWordTechHorrors (@webmarco)
I will henceforth refer to my car as a "solid state car". Makes it sound fast, but what it really means is that it has no moving parts. (@_Humus_)
window.onerror = window.close; For that native feel. (@webperftips)
Give a man a game engine and he delivers a game. Teach a man to make a game engine and he never delivers anything. (@sandbaydev)
- Knock knock
- Race condition
- Who's there?
Complaint-Driven Development: identify the 10 things users complain about most in your software, and fix those things. It works. (@codinghorror)
Ask a programmer to review 10 lines of code, he'll find 10 issues. Ask him to do 500 lines and he'll say it looks good.
I secretly wish Anders Hejlsberg would join the C++ standardization group... (@bionicbeagle)
In America, Internet searches you! (@dylan20)
This software system uses the 'Onion' pattern.  There are endless layers, and peeling all of them back makes you cry.
Java coders are paid by stack trace depth.
When the cleaning lady keeps trying to empty the new Mac Pro. Again. (@paniq)
Adapting your gamedev vocabulary to the new ages, lesson #17: NPC = Non-Paying Customer (@TheJare)
Computational geometry is where instead of randomly adding +/-1 around your code to attempt to solve problems, you mul/div by sqrt(2). (@ivanassen)
You know it'll be a long day when your game crashes when trying to read from 0x3F800000 (@msinilo)
If a picture is worth 1000 words, a prototype is worth 1000 meetings. (#99conf @ideo)
You are a graphics programmer if: You think that W comes after Z in the alphabet. (@CasualEffects)
In ancient Greece, a symposium was a drinking party (sympinein = "to drink together"). Remember that during your next departmental symposium (@DigsRocks)
- Knock, knock
- Who's there?
- Bug in your state machine
- Who's there?
Those who don't understand the mistakes of concurrency are doomed to repeat them - three times, in random order, and then deadlock (@Xion__)
"There's a tendency among the press to attribute the creation of a game to a single person," says Warren Spector, creator of Thief and Deus Ex.
Old computer games couldn't be won. They just got harder and faster until you died. Just like real life.
General rule: the more photographers hate any given visual effect, the more graphics programmers will love it. (@KK_DMA)
Roses are float4(1, 0, 0, 1), violets are float4(0, 0, 1, 1). I use RGBA, and so should you. (@_Humus_)
How small is a small value? Clearly 1e-6f. Definitively. Or at least since 2009. However, recently small is 1e-8f. Must be the inflation. (@_Humus_)
We don't need no compilation, we don't need no source control. (@KeefJudge)
Inheritance is a great concept when you have rich relatives but not when you have a programming language. (@ChristerEricson)
Last night I heard a new band called "1023 MB." They chose that name because they've never gotten a gig! (@allowe)
A mind shortcut for people mixing ^ and $ symbols in regexpes: as in life, dollars are at the very end after all the work. (@KK_DMA)
C is more dangerous than higher-level languages in the same way that race cars are more dangerous than bumper cars. (@Wolfire)
"This is about the const keyword, which makes you write your program twice" -- yosefk, man of wisdom. (@ivanassen)
Q: Where do functions go to meet other functions?
A: A calling convention.
#badcoderjokes (@adurdin)
Had a programming question, so I googled. 1st result is someone asking same question on a forum and the idiot reply: 'ever heard of google?' (@KommanderKlobb)
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey... (@moynihan)
Zombies do not like no-brainer code changes. (@aras_p)
The captcha images get harder and harder to read, soon only computers will be able to do it. (@andreas_brinck)
Don't annoy me, or I'll endorse you on LinkedIn for PHP and Enterprise Java! (@wfaler)
Java is a domain-specific language for converting XML into stack traces. (@hunleyd)
Note to foreign programmers: American speed limit signs display kilometers-per-hour (in hexadecimal). (@bmcnett)
std::shared_future is the most romantic class (@bionicbeagle/@_Humus_)
"Programming is the art of telling another human what one wants the computer to do" Knuth #pycon (@CodeErudition)
My game is only two weeks away from being finished, just like last month. (@optimisticindie)
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31 (@IAmRoflHarris)
Bad programmers worry about the code. Good programmers worry about data structures and their relationships. (Linus Torvalds)
Thinking about implementing a new weather system. Will be cloud-based. (@_Humus_)
Lightning never strikes twice. Especially if you forget to loop your particle effects. (@protectivebeard)
The quick brown fix jumps over the lazy bug. (@RCL)
Any sufficiently advanced tutorial is indistinguishable from gameplay. (@keelingc)
I'm saving energy by changing all the lightbulbs in my house to one bounce only. (@P_Malin)
Oops, just wrote two consecutive lines of JavaScript.  Better package this into a library and sell it as middleware. (@jvalenzu)
A good comment on code encapsulation: "You're trying to protect against Murphy, not Machiavelli." (@malcolmt)
Suggestion how to speed something up: "Add checkbox 'use GPU' and if checked - draw rotating cube and fireworks" (@aras_p)
When I started programming it was all about efficient code, now it's about coding efficiently. (@chrisoldwood)
"Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature." -Rich Kulawiec (@Mataway)
Writing code is an iterative process. Sometimes it seems like you're stuck an infinite loop. (@RonPieket)
When faced with a hard programming problem break it up into a complex hierarchy of objects. It won't help but at least you'll look busy (@justinhj)
Q: How many CUDA cores does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 32. 1 to change it, 31 to do the same movements without the lightbulb ;-)
Maybe secular reflections are the opposite of god rays? (@tom_forsyth/@mattpharr)
"I can cast out either one of your demons, but not both of them." - the XORcist. (@devegillen)
When someone decides to create a "standardized" 100+ loc impl of singleton pattern, somewhere in coding hell an Achievement gets unlocked. (@stingoh)
Physically based lighting? Too mainstream. I'll go for chemically based lighting. (@_Humus_)
Computer science fact of the day: If P=NP, then N=1 (@Xion__)
The real problem with UDP jokes, apparently, is that you have to keep resending them until everyone in your peer group has gotten them. (@ginsweater)
Since debugging is the process of removing bugs from the code, then writing the code in the first place should be called bugging. (@Xion__)
Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
Q. How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Production want to refactor the old one.
They should make anti-stress balls shaped like spherical harmonics. (@Octobinz)
Just saw someone wear a shirt "free the mallocs". (@ambakshi)
Some programmers, when confronted with a problem, think "I know, I'll use floating point arithmetic." Now they have 1.999999999997 problems. (@tomscott)
Ok so what do you do when windows task manager stops responding? Has the universe created a singularity? (@TomHammersley)
my wife: "what are you watching?" me: "good hair rendering. ah yes, pixar's next film trailer" (@aras_p)
I changed all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it will tell me "Your password is incorrect." (@AlanHungover)
80% of graphics coding is just linear interpolation. The other 20% is really fucking hard. (@TomHammersley)
The world would be a better place (...) if Excel drove more decisions than PowerPoint. (@Xion__)
"int printf(..." return value that was not checked since 1972. (@bkaradzic)
Sometimes, the elegant implementation is a function. Not a method. Not a class. Not a framework. Just a function. (John Carmack)
If you've chosen the right data structures and organized things well, the algorithms will almost always be self-evident. (Rob Pike)
Scumbag programmers: ask them for a bottle opener / everyone recommends a bulldozer; one guy recommends a chainsaw.
Web programming is the science of coming up with increasingly complicated ways of concatenating strings. (@thegdb)
Programming is not a zero-sum game. Teaching something to a fellow programmer doesn't take it away from you. (John Carmack)
Student: "I can't find any tutorials online for how to do this." Me: "A good sign you're actually doing something interesting." (@caseyodonnell)
The Skybox is the Limit (@TornadoTwins)
if (foo) x = true; else x = false; // This idiom never gets old. (@Xion__)
C++ isn't native, it features premature JIT (@JoshEngebretson)
"The hard part is done" often means "only the boring part is left" and therefore it will take ages :) (@bionicbeagle/@mike_acton)
WHY HAVE NONE OF YOU TOLD ME THAT 1337% OF PI IS 42?! (@rachelreese)
I had this weird dream where the year was mapped to a 33 ms frame; we had to do shadowmapping during the summer. Ugh. (@ivanassen)
Metaprogramming is the language feature that helps you write code that you won't be able to understand once the cocaine wears off. (@bos31337)
I love functional programming. it takes smart people who would otherwise be competing with me and turns them into unemployable crazies. (@wm)

See also: Funny quotes from Twitter - Part 2

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